title: kisses mean love
author: jessica
mail: thegirlinglasses@illuminatedtext.com
date: november 10, 2002
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My friend Judy told me that when people kiss on the lips it means they love each other a lot. She says that mommies and daddies kiss on the lips more often because they're married.
Judy said, "When Mommy gets quiet and sad or when she bangs a lot of pots and pans when cooking dinner, Daddy has to kiss her a lot to make Mommy happy again."
When Superman comes home late, Papa has to kiss him a lot before he's Daddy again.
Some nights, like tonight, I sit at the top of the stairs and listen. It's always late and they always think that I'm asleep. Papa speaks quietly, whispers. I can't hear what he says but I know the words. Papa says those words a lot.
He says, "You don't have to do this anymore."
He says, "You've done enough for the night."
Daddy says, "It's never enough."
I'm back in bed before Daddy comes in to kiss me good night. He's wearing his pyjamas now; they're the flannel ones that Papa buys for both of us every Christmas.
I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. I lay like that for a long time, waiting for the kiss that doesn't come. Daddy is very quiet; he doesn't want to wake me. When he sits on the bed and brushes a hand through my hair, I open my eyes.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't mean to wake you."
"That's okay, Daddy."
He touches my cheek. It tickles a little but I don't laugh. Daddy has a kind of sad look on his face. I get up on my knees, put my arms around his neck and kiss him right on the lips, with the loud smacking noise that Papa does when he"s being silly.
"Does that mean you love me, Nicholas?" Daddy says with a smile.
"Of course, Daddy," I tell him. "That's why I kissed you."
He squeezes me tight.
"Well, let me kiss you too. Just so you know that I love you back."
He does, soft on my cheek.
There must have been a fire because Daddy smells like smoke. But he also smells like soap; it's the fancy stuff that Papa buys even when Daddy tells him not to. He smells like the coffee he drinks all the time even though Papa says that's why he doesn't sleep.
Daddy smells like everything that I think about when I'm afraid.