title: the tapes
author: jessica and slodwick
date: october 31, 2003
notes: for the hockey!lex 'verse. jess is playing clark. slod is playing lex.
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Leave a message after the beep.
I just hung up on you. You're in Pittsburgh and I'm still here. You jerked off in the hotel bathroom while I was talking and listening. You knew I was blushing the whole time, didn't you? You knew Gaetan could hear you through the door. You make me crazy, Lex. You make me stay up way too late, and leave silly messages on answering machines. I didn't even get a chance to write out what I wanted to say. I'm probably forgetting everything. It doesn't matter. What I really wanted to say is that I miss you, and I don't remember if I said that, or not. And come home.
Call me when you hear this. Or, if I'm there, with you, kiss me.
Howie? Be a good boy. I'll be over at lunch, and we can go for a run.
Click.
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Beep.
I just walked in the door, tripped over Howie, and found your message. It was buried between the one from 'Gliders PR about some photo shoot in St. Louis, and a rather touching drunken serenade from Gat. I think he was actually aiming for that blonde from the bar and misdialed, but I'm always up for Sinatra in French.
That's not all I'm up for, either. Where are you? You should be back from that baseball thing by now.
You should be here. Howie misses you.
I miss you, too.
Click.
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Beep.
Diagoras of Rhodes, his three sons, and two grandsons all held Olympic boxing titles. You think that might be some kind of generational record? The Sutters were six, too, but they were all brothers. I'm looking at this website - research for a piece about sports families. The Sutters are impressive: 5,000 games, 2,922 points, and six Cups. but all they did was strap on some skates and make some early morning trips to the rink with their dad. Boxers in ancient Greece fought in the nude. I'm thinking that's just what the 'Gliders need to boost those lagging numbers.
Click.
Beep.
I meant the ratings are lagging. Get that smirk off your face.
Click.
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Beep.
This is me, decidedly not smirking.
So... naked hockey, huh? I mean, I'm all for it, and I guess I can pitch the idea to the coach again. although, if Kaka couldn't sell it last season, I really don't think I have a shot this year.
And you still haven't answered me about Vegas. It's just one weekend, Clark.
Click.
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Beep.
You can call me, but you can't answer your phone? I got called up to the Chief's office - apparently you can say 'naked boxing', you just can't show it. I'm back at my desk now. It's so quiet in here today. Are you watching the game? Jimmy turned off the sound, and he's trying to sync it up to "Dark Side of the Moon."
You should call me. I need some convincing.
Click.
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Beep.
Huh. After that last scintillating message, perhaps you're sleeping at your desk?
Such is the price of fame, Clark. I was actually on the other line doing a phone interview for some women's magazine in Chicago. She asked me if I worried about losing my hair. It was... weird.
You know, if you're dead set on seeing some naked hockey, I bet I could arrange something. A little private exhibition, purely for your intellectual enrichment, of course. Write what you know, right?
Virginia lies, Clark. Vegas is for lovers. There's a suite at the Grand with a jacuzzi waiting to help me prove it.
Click.
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Beep.
Lex? C'mon. Dammit. You've already left, haven't you? You're a punctual freak of nature, you know this, right?
I'm not packed, and I haven't eaten anything all day. Dammit. That's you at my door. I just hope you have my clean underwear and a granola bar in your truck.
Click.
Beep.
By the time you get this message, I will have had a great time in Vegas.
Click.
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Beep.
Hey, Clark. It's three a.m. I'm whispering because you're sleeping, like, a foot away from me right now, and I'm a stand up guy like that.
Just wanted to tell you a couple things before I forget.
One, we have got to try that again, as soon as my back recovers. And I think we can do without the bubbles in the future.
Two, you're flat broke, piss drunk, and still wearing your socks. One night, and Las Vegas already owns your ass.
Who knew you were so cheap?
Click.
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Beep.
I just woke up, and you weren't here. I called your cell, and your pants starting ringing from somewhere across the room. Where are you that you don't have your pants, Lex? And why am I not there with you?
Click.
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Beep.
I'm hoping you're just in the shower right now, and not traipsing all over the strip looking for me. I had to do a thing this morning, but I'm on my way back to the room now.
I have Krispy Kremes and coffee. it's not Metropolis' Best, but it's really big and it's caffeinated, so it should suffice.
If not, I'm sure I can think of other ways to brighten your morning.
Click.
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Beep.
OK, you're in the bathroom, and I'm sitting at our table, and still I'm calling your answering machine. I'm starting to feel like a dork. It's a good thing you knew about that before we started this. I like talking to you when you're not here.
Or maybe I just called to say 'hi' to Howie.
Click.
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Beep.
OK, I'm at a payphone outside the bathroom, and you're at the table, and still I'm calling your answering machine.
I feel like such a dork. It's a good thing you didn't know about me before we started this. I like knowing this will make you smile when you listen to it later.
Or maybe I just called to say 'hi' to Bernie.
Click.
Beep.
If you tell the guys about this, rest assured that I will kick your ass.
Click.
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Beep.
Don't screw it up, Clark. You're falling in love with this guy.
I'm so pathetic.
Click.
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Beep.
Uh, hey, Clark. If you're hearing this, you got my note and you're back in Metropolis now.
I'm sorry I left so suddenly last night. I'm sure you've heard a version of the story by now, but Gat says it's just some huge mixup, and I believe him.
He's my best friend. I had to come back. I hope you understand.
Anyway, everyone else is on the plane, and we're taking off in a few. I guess I'll see you when I get back from Toronto?
Call me.
Click.
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Beep.
Lunch? Maybe? I can meet you after the press conference; I'll have a couple of hours. Or, you know, dinner would be better. My place? I don't know. I feel like I haven't seen you without a caption under your face for days.
I watched a pee wee game played on an open ice rink in Grandville. The kids were amazing, Lex. I don't even think they kept score. Care loved it. She got to lead the wave for the very first time.
Click.
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Beep.
Hey. Only got a minute here. The guys are demanded we take Gat's lawyer out for a drink, and I can barely hear myself think in here.
I got a present for Caroline, but I'm not sure if she'll like it. Remind me to show you when I get back.
I should be home by seven. You bring the Chinese, and I'll bring... well, me.
I miss you.
Click.
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Beep.
OK, it's half past, and I don't want to be that kind of boyfriend, but the noodles are congeling on my counter. Where are you? I need you.
Apparently, I am that kind of boyfriend. You should ignore this message.
Click.
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Beep.
I could ignore it, but then I'd also have to ignore the part where you called yourself my boyfriend. I kinda liked that.
The plane was late. I missed my ride. We got a flat. My dog ate it. Insert your lame excuse of choice here.
I'm in the cab now. Slap that ball o' noodle in the fridge and fire up a hot shower. I'll be there in five minutes.
Click.
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Beep.
I was sitting at my desk just now, listening to the call from last night's game. I hate the way Skip Cooper says your name. He's never hit on you, has he?
Call me as soon as you get this. We can have phone sex in the broom closet. I can't stop thinking about you wet and in my shower.
Click.
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Beep.
What the fuck, Clark? Where are you?
I can only hide in this closet for so long before they notice, you know. I've been hard since this morning, and this mop is looking better by the minute.
You so owe me.
Click.
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Beep.
Why do you always pack your cell phone? You know I'm gonna call you. It's called a carry-on, Lex. Lots of guys have them, not just the fags. OK, so, call me, I guess. But I hope you would have done that anyway. Say 'hi' to Gaetan and tell him I said to keep you out of trouble.
I brought Bernstein over to play in the yard with Howie. You don't mind if we stay the night, do you?
Click.
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Beep.
Hey, Clark! Clark? it's Gaetan, man! Pick up!
Bah! You suck, you know? Why aren't you up here, bitch? Lex has been moping like a girl all weekend. I can't believe you didn't show.
Drinking alone is a real bummer, you just don't understand. Fucking losers, all of you.
How do you turn this damn thi-
Click.
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Beep.
So, what? You're not talking to me now? Answer your phone, Lex, or I'm sending an intern over with orders to sit on your doorstep until they get an interview.
Click.
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Beep.
Well, since you seem to think I'm trying to sleep with them all, be sure to send one of the cute ones, ok?
Click.
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Beep.
Do you realise you've turned completely into a woman? Keep this up and you'll be giving Hayley Wickenheiser a run for her money.
I needed to get out of the city. We're staying at my parents'.
Click.
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Beep.
Clark? I tried calling the farm this morning, but your mom said you were out in the fields with your dad. She seems nice.
I'm... can we fix this, please? I could tell you weren't watching the game last night. I just felt... off the whole time.
Did I ever tell you my first year with the team, I wore the same pair of socks for every game? We won every game, too. Then I forgot them one time, and we lost the rest of the season.
All superstition aside, Clark... little things matter. Please call.
Click.
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Beep.
Kent Farms. Hickory Lane. Smallville. If you leave now, you can be here in three hours.
Click.
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Beep.
Clark, um...
I decided to take the scenic route, and the road didn't end up where i'd hoped it would. I guess there was an accident on this bridge, and they detoured traffic, and I ended up on some back road... and it's quite possible I'm in oklahoma now.
Hang on...
OK. I'm at a place called the Wild Coyote. I'm going to get a drink, if you want to come and get me.
Click.
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Beep.
Hey. I know you're not there. you here, or, you know, upstairs, in my bed. I guess now we know what happens to a relationship when we talk to machines more than each other. I don't think I was running away when I left Metropolis, but thank you for coming to get me.
Um, I should be there with you when you hear this message. And hopefully, I've already said it. But this is the real first time I'm telling you.
I love you.
Bye.
Click.